In this post, I want to tease out the similarities and differences between the ideas of eroticism, sensuality, and sexuality. They often get confused, both out of ignorance and out of euphemistic intent. “Sensual” sounds a lot more palatable than “sexual” in our sex-negative culture, so people sometimes say the prior when they mean the latter. With clear definitions & illuminating explanations, I’m hoping we can use the words to communicate more clearly and to learn about our own patterns of arousal more deeply.
Illuminating the Erotic
The word “erotic” stems from the name of Eros, the Greek god of love, lust, and passion. Eros is the archetype of the emotional force that drives us. As described here by the Rijksmuseum, various depictions of Eros were used to represent this passion in various expressions: “A blindfolded Eros usually stands for lust. Alternately, when he slumbers, it means suppressed sensuality.”
A similar significance is found in Hindu Tantrism, represented by the sacral chakra, Svadhisthana. This chakra is the center of emotion, creative inspiration, and sexuality, “... often associated with pleasure, sense of oneself, relationships, sensuality and procreation.” From this place, we can get in touch with what attracts us, excites us, and what we truly desire. If this part of ourselves is well-integrated into the rest of our being, we’ll be guided toward what feels satisfying, motivating and brings us enjoyment. This direction will lead us to way more than our sexual desires; it will guide us toward living our lives in a way that aligns with what authentically drives us, which is ultimately the most fulfilling way to live.
From a holistic perspective, the “erotic” encapsulates everything that makes us feel alive, from music and dance to delicious food, from the passion of sex to the peace of a gentle smile, from the longing of lust to the tender care we feel for our beloved young and elderly. There’s great diversity in the way each of us is stimulated and called to act in the world. Some of us live to write or to paint, while others are motivated to build buildings or businesses, while others still find meaning in walking a spiritual path and caring for their fellow souls.
Undeniably, as adults, most of us are highly motivated and aroused by intimate play with our bodies, either alone or with our intimate partners. If we’re in touch with our life force, our eroticism naturally leads us toward intimate physical connection. I’m intentionally holding back on using the word “sex” just yet, because while sexuality is a key part of bodily intimacy for most people, it’s just one facet.
The diversity of our preferences for bodily intimacy is well-represented in the Erotic Blueprints framework, developed by sex educator, Miss Jiaya. The framework describes several different pathways toward bodily arousal that we might use in erotic play. Many people assume that anything besides penetration just counts as “foreplay”, with genital penetration and orgasm being the end goal, but our erotic lives don’t have to work that way. There are plenty of kinds of bodily intimacy that are fun and worthwhile in their own right, regardless of what they lead to, and our preferences across them vary person-to-person. The Erotic Blueprints framework offers a personality test that gives you a breakdown of your profile over several categories of play. “Sensuality” and “sexuality” are two of those categories.
Illuminating “Sensuality”
Sensuality is the realm of play that involves the stimulation of the five senses, incorporating the whole body, particularly the sense of touch. Many people who enjoy sensual play are particularly sensitive on specific parts of their body, such as their back, the back of their knees, or their scalp. If you’re intimate with someone who enjoys sensuality, it can be great to ask them which parts of their body they love to have touched and how.
Sensual play can include intense sensations like biting or spanking, but most often people enjoy sensual play by focusing attention on subtle sensations. Many schools of neo-tantra practice cultivating that focus on sensation. For example, The Sensory Awakening Ritual from The Art of Sexual Ecstasy (p. 80), by Margot Anand, which involves preparing and playing with tactile toys, scents, flavors, sounds, and visual stimulation.
In Somatica, we practice touching for our own pleasure, as you might pet a cat with soft fur - doing that often leads to a connecting physical experience. We also practice intentional types of touch, such as firm holding and feather touch, playing with ways of creating different sensations for our partners to experience and respond to. This sensual play is juicy and connecting all by itself!
Of course, sensual play often wakes our body up and gets us aroused and in the mood for a sexual connection that we weren’t ready for before. For some people, sensual play is a great form of foreplay, and for other people, the expectation that sex has to follow makes it tough to sink into enjoyment of the sensual moment. It’s important to stay in touch with your partner’s truth about what they desire in order to have a mutually beneficial experience.
Illuminating “Sexuality”
In contrast to sensuality, sexuality tends to focus on the most erogenous parts of the body, including genitals, nipples, ears, or lips. In sexual play, we stimulate each other’s erogenous zones with our hands, mouths, or our own erogenous body parts. Porn tends to show a lot more sexual play than it shows of other kinds of play, though it mostly doesn’t represent the diversity of sex that people authentically enjoy. Even though sexual play can look like it does in porn, it’s worth exploring what other kinds of sex feel fun and exciting by brainstorming with your partner, experimenting, and diversifying the kinds of porn you watch. I highly recommend checking out the Hump! Film Fest for a great variety of represented orientations and interests.
In the context of various relationships, one type of erotic play can feel great and appropriate while others don’t. For example, I find that sensual play feels good with someone I'm emotionally resonant with, while sexual play feels good with people I feel sexually attracted to. These things can come together or separately. For different people, that range of what feels good or appropriate can differ, and that’s ok. It’s just important that we understand what feels desired by everyone involved, creating shared truth to have great consent collaborations.
Other Types of Erotic Play
Energetic
Another of the categories in The Erotic Blueprint framework, energetic play involves exploring what happens between our bodies when we’re not touching. Playing with anticipation, proximity, and the psychological aspect of teasing. For people who believe in the physical transfer of energy (a.k.a prana or qi), erotic energetic play is a practice comparable to reiki, and moving energy erotically can lead to “energetic orgasm”.
I have to admit that I remain curious yet skeptically agnostic about the physical basis of energy transfer. While others I’ve played with tell me they can feel energy from my hands, I haven’t noticed the physical sensation myself yet. That said, I’ve heard many times that “energy follows attention,” and I’ve absolutely learned to use my attention as a tool in erotic connection, sensing the effects of where I direct that attention. Whether there’s a physical basis to this energy or it’s a purely psychological phenomenon, I’m not too concerned with the difference. I feel the outcome.
Kinky
For some people, kinky play is an important part of their erotic lives. There are different kinds of kinky play that can be arousing for different reasons. For some, it revolves around physical kinks, such as spanking, bondage, or toe sucking, which lead directly to arousal or endorphin highs. For others, kinky play is about psychological components, such as playing with sadism / masochism, voyeurism / exhibitionism, affection / coldness. Others, still, are turned on by transgression and breaking taboo - doing whatever feels wrong and off-limits.
For myself, I don’t get directly turned on by most kinks that other people have… I’m pretty vanilla, that way! That said, I describe myself as having a “mastery kink”. As I describe in this post, I was bullied as a kid for being a nerd. For many years, I feared that my intelligence and aptitude would get in the way of my social connections. Now, in adult life, it feels deeply rewarding to me to apply that aptitude to learning the skills of emotional attunement and kink. I get aroused when I can use those skills to satisfy someone I’m drawn to, and the resulting connection turns me on. Seeking this dynamic has been the driving force of my journey into rope bondage.
Conclusion
At this point, I hope to have developed more clarity about each of these ideas, particularly distinguishing "sensuality" from "sexuality". Hopefully we can see how these words describe our own diverse patterns of arousal, and we’re now empowered to communicate our desires to our intimate partners. Personally, I’m an open book, eager to share about my own eroticism as a touch point for others to compare, contrast, and learn about themselves.
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About the Author
I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.
If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.
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