My first experience with rope bondage was getting tied by a rigger (someone who ties) at the Bonobo Network retreat, a weekend getaway for socialization, sex ed workshops, and nighttime play parties. He goes by the handle EricTheRed. I went to the rope jam (a gathering for casual tying and social mingling) one day, and Eric was there without a partner, so he invited me to tie with him. As a complete newbie, who showed up just expecting to watch, I wasn’t entirely sure what I was getting into, but I eagerly said yes. The consent-oriented culture in the Bonobo Network made it feel safe to explore, and that’s what I was there for. I came out of curiosity, because I didn’t quite understand the intimate or erotic nature of rope bondage, and I wanted to find out more.
Eric talked me through the safety considerations of rope play (it can be risky) and then we talked about what sort of ties and positions might work for my body, and then got into tying. He tied my hands close to my chin, with harness wraps around my arms and rib cage holding them tight. I noticed that it felt like a secure hug, tighter and longer than any human arms have the stamina to give. You can imagine the euphoria that one could feel in that hug, and that’s what I felt. While I already have pretty expressive eyes, I felt a new glow, like a bright lantern was illuminated inside, and I could share that glow with everyone in the room whom I looked at.
He then tied my legs and feet and attached them with a hogtie to the back of my chest harness. As I was completely immobile, he asked if he could run his fingers over my body, and I said “yes, please!” In this state of euphoria, it felt like every millimeter of my body came alive with sensitivity. I got it. I understood how rope bondage could be so intimate and valuable. Even when not sexual (that experience didn’t turn me on sexually), it can be so sensual, emotionally vulnerable, and intimate.
After the scene, I got a chance to thank you, Eric, but now I want to follow up with another huge, huge expression of gratitude. I hope you get to read this. Your scene with me was pivotal in my personal erotic development, and I’ll explain how for the rest of this post.
I came away from the retreat with a newfound motivation to practice as a rigger, myself. I knew I had to learn that skill - that ability to unlock a person’s vulnerability and sensitivity. Also, getting tied absolutely is a sexual turn on for some people, many of whom I desire an erotic connection with.
I’ve also discovered a core desire that rigging satisfies for me. It comes from having been bullied as a kid, made fun of for “being a nerd”. Back then, it felt like the brighter I allowed my abilities to shine, the more distance I put between myself and my peers, in spite of my human longing for connection and belonging. The harder I worked, the more ostracized I became. I made the choice back then not to compromise on living up to my potential, but it led to a lonely road.
Then suddenly, in my adult life, the script was reversed as I found this hobby that requires a great deal of practice and mastery, which also unlocks a whole new dimension of interpersonal connection. Sometimes, it’s sexual, and sometimes it’s not. At this point, I’ve had rope scenes in which my bottom reached such a level of vulnerability that sobs came spilling out, and I had the chance to hold them in that. I’ve been in scenes that felt just as playful and spontaneous as my most carefree childhood memories. I’ve been tied in ways that allowed me to wholeheartedly let go of the simplistic masculine “ideal” of someone who has to be perpetually hard, in control, and ready to fuck. I’ve been in scenes that charged the sexual tension between my partner and myself way beyond any other form of flirting and teasing.
Today, I’m still a novice rigger, with a lot of technical skills to learn, but I’m coming to appreciate the depths of connection and self-esteem this practice can bring to my life, and that appreciation motivates me to keep learning.
_____________________________
About the Author
I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.
If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.
Comments