This post is personal for me as much as it is a resource for coaching. At this point in life, I’m available for a handful of different kinds of erotic / romantic relationships, and I want to be able to clearly explain what I’m interested in and available for. I want to be clear about what my expectations and desires might look like for each type of relationship. Writing this article is an exercise to prime those conversations.
Before diving in, I want to make the distinction that for me, these descriptions are descriptive rather than prescriptive. They describe the types of relationships I might like to have and what things might go together, but they’re by no means a formula of what has to happen or what relationships should look like. There’s room to blur the lines to negotiate what feels best and most authentic for all of us involved.
Erotic Friendships
These are friendships in which there is sometimes a component of erotic play, be it sexual, sensual, or otherwise. That said, erotic connection isn’t really a central aspect of this relationship, and we have ways of connecting that are more consistent, like personal sharing, shared hobbies, or other forms of platonic support or companionship.
This type of connection tends to develop when I have a friendship where there is mutual attraction, but we’re not consistently available for erotic connection with one another. That inconsistency could include differences in preferred relationship structures, a mismatch of erotic desires, or saturated or incompatible schedules.
Erotic friendships can still be worthwhile and meaningful to me as long as we’re straightforward with one another about what we are and are not available for. The relationship can meet a handful of mutual needs for connection and companionship, even if not consistently. When the time is right and we are available for erotic connection with one another, it can still be fun!
Play Partners
A play partner relationship tends to be similar to an erotic friendship in the level of commitment it involves. It differs in the ways that we connect when we’re together. With a play partner, I tend to connect primarily through erotic play, with less time or attention spent on platonic forms of connection.
In spite of limited time with one another, an ideal erotic connection with a play partner can go deep if we invest attention and creativity toward learning about and playing with one another’s turn-ons, bodies, and desires. For the time being, none of my erotic connections involve that effort, but I recently complimented a friend, letting her know that I admire the investment of attention and creativity that she’s built in her relationship with a play partner she has. Though the two meet infrequently, their dates often involve elaborate BDSM scenes filled with toys, roleplay, and sexual passion. They know one another's erotic styles intimately, their desires complement one another well, and they celebrate that connection wholeheartedly. At this point, I can only aspire to that level of erotic connection.
A play partner relationship makes the most sense to me when I discover strong mutual attraction with someone and our erotic desires match, but one or both of us might not have space for a romantic or personal relationship with one another. Or maybe we’re not compatible on a romantic or personal level. If we’re still interested in the erotic connection and have the availability, we can communicate about what we are available for and have an erotically fulfilling relationship.
Loverships
A lovership is a relationship where my lover and I have a meaningful connection on a number of levels: personal, emotional, and erotic, and we’re intentionally cultivating romantic feelings for one another. Unlike erotic friendships or play partner connections, a lovership involves not only erotic chemistry but also a commitment to staying in one another’s lives in significant ways, cultivating a secure presence.
That sort of commitment to staying in one another’s lives in a significant way is what it takes for me to feel safe to develop an attachment-based relationship with a romantic partner. Being polyamorous, I’ve had to evaluate my attachment needs independently, rather than settling on an outside script for what relationships are supposed to look like (e.g. dating, move-in, marriage, kids). I’ve realized that secure attachment for myself requires a mutual commitment to making space for each other in our lives, to meet each other’s needs for companionship, connection, and intimacy.
To me, a lovership feels right once we’ve taken time to get to know and appreciate one another holistically. We admire the way each other shows up in life, we have erotic chemistry, and we want to commit to being an important part of one another’s lives. That doesn’t happen quickly - it takes time to reach that level of connection.
When I say “I love you” to a lover, I mean a few things. First of all, I’m communicating the kind of love that bell hooks settled on in her book All About Love. “[Love is] the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” This is the kind of love that I have available and want to show. In the interest of caring for myself, I selectively choose to cultivate loverships with others whom I recognize as sharing this core understanding of love and who are available to show it in relationship with me.
Life Partnership
I choose to use the word “partner” sparingly and specifically. To me, a partner is someone with whom my life is intricately tied, and we support one another’s functioning in important and tangible ways. At this point in life, I still hope to build a life partnership with at least one romantic partner, but I don’t think it has to be that way. There are beautiful examples of committed companionate partnerships between people who deeply care for and support one another while also not having a romantic relationship.
As I imagine a partnership, it could be built around nesting together, co-owning property, having kids together, or sharing work on a dharma (i.e. life purpose / calling). All of these things are central to the where, how, and why we live our lives. If our lives our built together at this level, I’d consider us partners.
In deciding whom I build partnership with, I primarily look for shared values, not only in what we say or feel but also demonstrated in the life decisions we make. Given the amount of influence that our decisions will have on one another’s lives, I only want to build partnership with people who help me become more of the person I aspire to be and whom I can support in the same way.
My reservation of the term “partner” contrasts with the way a lot of people in the polyamorous world use the word. For many, it simply means “sexual partner” or even “romantic partner”. Since I became polyamorous in Feb ‘22, I haven’t had anyone in my life whom I would describe as a partner. I’ve had close relationships and loverships, but no one whom I would look to with the amount of care, companionship, or shared purpose that I desire to share with a partner. For sure, I desire to have relationships that reach that level of commitment, which will take both time and a bit of luck.
Final Thoughts
To reiterate, the types of relationships I describe here are personal to the way that I choose to design my relationships. They are hopefully descriptive and not prescriptive - for example, I won’t ever say “because you are just a play partner, keeping plans with you is less important than making plans with my lover.” However, I hope the descriptions provide a nice starting point for negotiating what kind of relationships we want and are available for with one another.
And things change! As we get to know one another in the more casual relationship structures, we may realize that we feel compatibility and desire for a deepening into one of the more committed relationship structures. At that point, hopefully we can be vulnerable enough with our desire to have a conversation about it and intentionally deepen our relationship.
With any luck, this post will be a supportive starting point for conversations for negotiating my own relationships, as well supporting others in their own journeys! As always, feel free to reach out to me with reflections or discussion.
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About the Author
I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.
If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.
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