As I’ve described in other posts, one of the unhealthy relationship tendencies I learned as a kid was to hide my emotions if I imagined that they might lead to disagreement or discomfort. This led to a lot of self-abandonment in close relationships, i.e. burying my feelings or going against my desires.
It’s taken a good deal of life experience to realize the long-term consequences of self-abandonment: if I make a pattern of self-abandoning my desires, and I become attached to a relationship whose stability requires that self-abandonment, I’m going to get stuck. I’ll grow scared of losing the sense of stability and security I have in that relationship, but in an attempt to remain content, I’ll end up turning down the volume of my desires.
But you can’t turn down the volume of just one emotion. The heart doesn’t work that way. If you do that to one emotion, you’ll do that to all of them. This is what I did during my marriage. What happened was that life grew lackluster. I didn’t know what I was living for, and I grew depressed. Until February 2022, when my marriage ended.
At this point, I feel sorry for self-abandoning my desire to preserve the relationship. I see how the depressed person that I became wasn’t a good partner for her. In retrospect, I wish I had been upfront and steadfast about the ways that my desires differed from hers, and maybe we would have hurt each other a lot less and moved on from that deadlock sooner and more smoothly. But alas, the pain of that separation is what it took to teach me this lesson.
Since that divorce, my emotions have been alive, and I’m getting tons of practice on how and when to express my feelings in relationships. I’ve been polyamorous for almost two years, and at this point, I’ve had many relationships run their course, with the roller coaster of feelings that each one brings and the lessons that it teaches.
Anxious / Avoidant Tendencies
In the dating world, people’s anxious or avoidant defense mechanisms frequently get triggered. Not that this doesn't happen regularly in many long-term relationships, as well, but in the early stages of dating, the waters are turbulent, when you’re trying to figure out how much you can count on a person, whether they like you back as much as you like them. That place is Insecurity Central.
When I’m in this place, my defense mechanism is to become like an island. If someone isn’t texting me back when I really want to hear from them, my impulse tells me to detach, to not show them that I feel worried or disappointed, because I fear that it might push them further away. What that can look like on the other side, though, is that I’m cold or unattached. It gives the impression that inconsistency is ok with me and that I must not care very much. It can lead others to not develop a healthy attachment to me.
On the flip side, some people’s defense mechanisms will cause them to get actively upset with the person they’re dating, lashing out with accusations or blaming them for “making me feel this way”. I totally see the temptation in myself to lash out - shift the blame to someone else for the shitty feelings that I have about their behavior. Of course, this blame may very well be the thing that pushes the other person away, particularly in the early stages of dating where there’s not much investment or attachment yet.
As I’m growing, I’m trying to find the middle path. I don’t want to respond by hiding my emotions, and I also don’t want to respond by projecting blame onto someone else for causing my emotions. I want to share my emotions transparently and vulnerably, and I want to allow others to see the ways their actions affect me as I’m growing attached to them. I can recognize the ones who respond with empathy, care, and love as the ones who are ready and available for the kind of relationship I want to have. Those who don’t respond with care and empathy, I can let go with forgiveness and an open hand.
It feels important to say thank you to all of the people in my life who are helping me to learn these lessons. Showing me through the messy business of trial and error, through demonstration that love and empathy are available, through behaviors that I feel hurt by and give me the chance to decide what I don’t want in a relationship, through their own vulnerable feedback about how my words and actions affect them, which I can use to adjust the ways that I show up in relationships.
Expressing Anger and Frustration
The emotions of anger and frustration are soooo tough for me to let out. Of all my emotions, these are the ones I’m most likely to bury, for fear that they’ll hurt someone or lead to the end of a relationship that I’m attached to. My tendency is to hush up about my frustration - to distract myself with video games or instagram. Maybe, the worst effect of all is that my libido dims - I can’t get turned on or even self-pleasure when I’m in this numbing state. Long-story-short, practicing expressing my anger lovingly has helped to unblock my arousal.
Recently, I’ve been making a conscious effort in my close relationships to build the trust I need to express anger and frustration in a loving way. I’ve practiced naming the anger, allowing it to show on my face, and pairing expressions of anger with reassurance that my intention is to grow more intimately connected. I’ve tried recognizing the judgments I have that come from anger, naming them as “judgments”, and recognizing the needs that they are defending - the need for agency, respect, and consideration in a relationship. I’ve taken anger as a cue to ask for what I want and to advocate for what I need.
This effort to express anger has been benefiting my relationships, for sure. Here’s an example: Recently, I was in a relationship situation in which I was treated unfairly, not because anyone made a moral error, but because someone felt stuck and she chose to let me down rather than risk inciting another person’s anger. Because my upset is easier to repair and the other person tends to explode, letting me down was the safer option for her in a moment she felt trapped.
When she and I later had a repair conversation about it, we each listened to the other’s feelings and perspectives openly, and we each empathized with the other’s perspective. We each understood the other’s heart, and reconnected vulnerably. But I had anger inside that I was very close to letting go of without expressing it. I judged that the situation was incredibly unfair - that my emotional maturity is the reason that my feelings are the ones that get hurt. She agreed that it’s unfair. I stated that I’m not willing to be in a relationship where that dynamic becomes the status quo. After talking about it with her, I’m willing to understand and forgive when she makes a snap judgment like this out of feeling trapped, but it’s also important to me to see her effort to change that behavior. To see her work on changing her response pattern to develop the capacity to respect and acknowledge her relationship with me, even if he finds it emotionally difficult to accept.
I also ended up channeling this anger and resulting aggression into a sexual domination fantasy, in which I degraded her, belittled her, and put her in her place with physical punishment. It was the first time in my life I had a fantasy like this, but it felt right, and I felt proud of it. It was just fantasy, just roleplay - no one got hurt, and I wouldn’t send this fantasy to anyone who shouldn’t see it. But it was hot. For the first time in my life I felt turned on by a fantasy of dominance, and I felt proud of unlocking that side of myself. I also narrated the fantasy to her on a video call the next day, and she got so turned on. I knew that this is a much better relationship with my anger than the one I had before.
Revealing Sexual Desire
Another feeling that I learned to repress was my sexual desire. As I describe in more detail in another blog post, I internalized the message that my sexual desire was inherently predatory or offensive. It’s been transformative so far to unlearn this message, and I’m still in the process.
My education through Somatica has played a huge role in helping me to understand what aspects of desire are absolutely ok, and how to hold my desire in a way that is transparent and inviting, without being inappropriate or intrusive. I’ll dive deeper into the topics of consent and flirting in future blog posts, but for now I’ll just note some changes I’ve seen in myself.
These days, if I see someone I find interesting, I’ll tend not to avert my gaze right away. If my interest is coming from sexual attraction, I’ll usually feel shy when they look back at me. Here’s the turning point: I’ll now tend to let that shyness show rather than quickly looking away to hide it. Sometimes, I’ll blush or bow my head slightly or bite my lip. It’s vulnerable - in a non-obtrusive way, it shows that I’m interested, and if there’s a mutual attraction there, it opens the door to more connection.
Another difference in my behavior - I’ll volunteer much more readily in conversation if I have a crush on someone. I don’t tend to expect an answer or to ask if they feel the same way. That might put undue pressure on someone, particularly if they don’t know how much I welcome disappointment. But it feels rewarding and respectful to get my feelings out in the open and make an implicit invitation.
Asking For What I Want and Potentially Hearing a “No”
I realized recently that I very rarely ask for something if I’m not already fairly certain that the answer is a “yes”. This is true of all of my relationships, all the way from strangers to my closest relationships, but in close relationships the stakes definitely feel higher.
There are two main reasons for my hesitance. Firstly, I fear pushing someone away by putting them in the uncomfortable situation of having to reject me. Secondly, I fear the message of shame or unworthiness that might be communicated with the “no”, or at least that I might imagine such a message.
However, I’m coming to appreciate the value that comes from one person expressing their boundaries or limits with a “no” and the other person receiving it with acceptance. It dispels both of the above fears. By remaining connected after a “no”, both people start to trust the integrity of their relationship to withstand a bit of disappointment. Through the loving communication and receipt of a “no”, the two people can reassure one another that shame isn’t part of the equation. That the issue is merely about personal limits and boundaries, and communicating about those lovingly can actually support intimacy.
In my personal relationships, I now consider it a milestone to hear a “no”. I take it as a sign of trust, authenticity, and vulnerability. If I’m not hearing “no” from you, I’m probably not being candid yet with the extent of my desires. And I find it important to hear enough “no” to indicate that a “yes” really means “yes”.
Conclusion
This list reviews feelings that I’m personally learning to express lovingly and in a way that supports intimacy. It might be the case that you have a totally different list of feelings that you either repress or habitually express non-vulnerably and unlovingly. I’d love to trade notes - to hear the similarities and differences between your experiences and mine.
The main takeaway is that all emotions have the potential to be points of connection, if we can communicate them vulnerably and lovingly.
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About the Author
I’m a Sex & Relationship Coach trained in the Somatica method. Come work with me to learn and practice skills that help you with dating and building new intimate relationships, spicing up your erotic connections, and deepening the connection you have with your existing lovers or partners.
If you'd like to work with me, feel free to contact me with questions or book a 30 minute consultation call.
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